Back to Square 1

But not from zero

I was so hopeful for this year.

And I know, we’re only 25 days in, so maybe that sounds a bit dramatic. It hasn’t even been a full month.

So much can change in a year, right? (I’m attempting to fill this post with a bit more positivity now. I hope you appreciate the effort.)

But I just found out that my biggest contract, a.k.a the one anchoring my business right now, is being terminated.

And suddenly, I feel like I’m back to square one of finding a full client roster all over again.

To top it off, I just turned 29, I’m single, a bit burned out, and I’m seriously thinking about freezing my eggs.

In more ways than one, it feels like I’m standing at the same crossroads I stood at years ago—asking the same big questions, but with more life lived behind me. More worries and responsibilities, too.

What do I actually want this year to look like?
Where do I want to live?
How much do I want to work? Travel? Rest?
How can I date smarter in a world of swipe-and-go apps?
What kind of life do I want to build?

And I feel like I’m constantly teetering between what’s in and what’s not in my control…

It’s easy to mope around and call this “going backward.” To label it as starting over. But that’s not quite true.

It’s not zero. It’s called square one.

And square one isn’t empty. Not at all. It’s shaped by experience, discernment, and a much clearer sense of what you’ll no longer tolerate.

Still, it’s uncomfortable and extremely humbling. It can really mess with your head if you let it.

The past few years, I’ve been in a constant state of go-go-go…Hustle. Build. Say yes. Keep moving. And while that taught me discipline and how to make things happen fast, I don’t think I ever stopped long enough to ask the bigger questions. I figured they’d fall into place as I ran 100 miles an hour.

In many ways, I think G-d is forcing me to slow down now.

And I really wish I could say this feels empowering. But most of the time, it feels lonely and heavy. Until I catch myself spiraling and remind myself to look at what is working. To be grateful.

‘Cause truthfully, my inner critic and inner guide are constantly at war with each other, and some days one’s much louder than the other…

So, if you’re reading this Substack post while questioning your timeline, or the life you thought up in your head and decided you’d be further along in—I don’t think you’re late. Not at all. I think you’re paying attention.

And that might be the bravest thing one can do right now.

*Cover image is a screenshot from Thatcoolmoodboard