Remember Me?

It's been awhile.

I haven’t posted on here since last month, which in internet time could be considered a previous decade. But the truth is, sometimes I just don’t want to put myself out there in writing. Cause, honestly, most of my life is comprised of being disciplined and doing the thing even when I’m not feeling like it to pay the bills, so can’t I reserve this spot for unforced thoughts on the fly? Well, here we are.

But, if you’ve had even an inkling of curiosity as to what I’ve been up to recently, here it is:

Doomscrolling for hours. Then, feeling like absolute shit. But of course, returning to my pacifier-of-a-phone once again, (minutes later?) because it’s an addiction. But, I tell myself that I need to be in the know for my work, which is true too. Multiple things can be true at the same time. At least, I don’t spend half my time in front of others checking it. Many of my friends are guilty of that. For me, it’s more of a I’m alone and trying to connect kinda thing. Even though it's the furthest thing from a real connection. It helps me dissociate, which has been my coping mechanism since childhood. I hate this about myself.

The Epstein Files, Savannah Guthrie’s missing mother, Twitch’s death, Selena Gomez conspiracy theories, the deep end of Reddit…I’ve probably spent days on this stuff. My For You Page is constantly attacking me with it, and I’m giving in.

Overall, I’ve felt incredibly disillusioned recently. Everything seems fake to me. Our politicians are evil, regardless of which side you’re on; our jobs will all be taken by bots in a few years’ time. What’s the real point to it all? Are our efforts in vain? I’m kinda sick of this matrix.

With my biggest work contract coming to a close this week, I’m also feeling like I can’t do the rat race for much longer. I’ve done it for years and am tired now. Sure, I want to work, but I don’t want to look back and feel like that’s all I really did with my time. Like I was a squirrel in constant fear of winter who spent all her time harvesting acorns and none of it frolicking and enjoying the meadow she lived in. Is there a way to responsibly frolick?

So, then I go to Target. Retail therapy always helps, right? But it doesn’t seem to have the same effect on me anymore. I just need to fill my schedule with a million plans and stay busier. But that doesn’t fill the gaping hole either…

Hmm, hobbies must be the answer. I’ll bedazzle and cook and bake new recipes. Using my hands does seem to help somewhat. Maybe life is supposed to be simple, and I’m just stuck in my head overthinking it all.

I don’t want to go out all the time. It gets expensive, too, which depresses me further. A $26 parking ticket is a sure sign to stay home in my mind. I’ll focus on 10k steps a day and YouTube workouts until the soreness kicks in and that routine gets boring, I decide. So I get Classpass and become a pilates girl. That must be the missing piece in my routine, right?

Maybe all this is part of my grand shedding.

The year of the fire horse is here. I'm taking that as permission to burn down what isn't working and build something worth running toward. Open arms.

*Cover photo is a screenshot from thatcoolmoodboard